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[30] Don't it make my brown eyes blue 2

In five months time it is the anniversary of when J and I split up. Since that time I have been emotional... Depressed, relieved, happy, sad, upset, longing, empty, thrilled, excited, comfortable, settled, unsettled. My head has been in limbo. The 'what if's' circulate from time to time and the pain is still raw if I think of him. I have happy memories of him and sad. I wish I could forget him but I can't. I know now that I never will and I am at peace with that oddly. J has a partner and has moved in with her. I've spoken to his dad and the family don't like his gf sadly. Still, he is happy and that makes me feel more at ease. All I have ever wanted is for him to be happy, despite everything that happened, despite how I felt, despite how I still feel. Who would have thought that pain could last so long (and unrequited love at that)? I have become a shadow of the person I once was... a recluse... but a good mother and a good partner to my adoring bf. I am blissfully happy in my little family bubble and I am settled and changed and aware of my position. I am happy to play the housewife, to not go out, to have nothing in the way of social life, to be bubble wrapped, to love and be loved, to feel like I belong. Such wonderful things and with a man so rare to find! At times I wish I could get out more, do more things, have more of a social life. But since splitting with J I have lost the drive and zest I once had for life. I carry a heaviness in my heart, and I dread seeing J in the street. I have avoided all the pubs and places we used to go to together, along with places I think he might go to. I avoid him to the point of staying in all the time. I have no energy or inclination to do anything. Since having my 2nd child I have put on three stone in weight and I feel quite depressed about it but I have no drive to lose it. I just comfort eat. It is not the way forward I know! But now I am finally coming to terms with J, I know it will not be long before I feel that drive and start to do something about it. If I can feel good about myself again it would make a huge impact on my life. It is still hard but not as hard as it was. I've been looking at the pics of J and the first one made my heart sink... we looked so in love and it brought back those feelings again. But as I flicked through the pictures I realised that he's not all that and actually he is a bit ugly. When I met him I didn't fancy him at all so what we had was not based on the lust he professed made me fall in love with him. So... do I love him still? Sadly I do but the love is different now and I no longer want him. All I want is to heal my wounds 100% so that when I think of him I feel no emotions at all. When that will be I do not know but for now I am happy, and I am happy for J to have found someone he can commit to.