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[27] FML

screwd up my whole life and any chance for future happiness with husband. Lied about financial status (I was breadwinner) - ended up charging up charge cards to 100K, spent 50K of savings, and have no income or way of paying it back. Some money I spend on online gambling - other i spent just keeping up mortgages (had 2 houses - one now fully paid for) - insurance, utilities, etc on 2 houses, insurance on 8 carrs - i know boo hoo. But none of this stuff is considered 'mine' - *HE* has money in the bank (took my name off it, even as beneficiary. I signed over the property that I paid for to him as well. He's still not ever going to forgive me. I came into the relationship with 80,000, and for 16 years brought in SSI (on my son) at 2000 a month. I worked beside him in his company, managing the office and actually driving trucks and equipment as well. I won a 54000 jackpot online, and gave him 15000 cash and paid off my car with the rest. I started working on the net in 1999, and at my high point was making about 20,000 a month. We took trips and shopped and bought whatever we wanted (He retired at 60). Business started going downhill in 2005. He and I were living apart because of the dual property (two states) .. but stll happy. He charged on his walmart card and i paid it - i paid all the bills. eventually with credit carfds and savings. 2 of the credit cards were in his name. He could care less about the rest of it - if it weren't for those i think he'd just cut me loose and tell me to figure it out. And he says he loves me.
I thought with problems, even when withheld for so long, a couple worked together to fix them, so that they could continue to be together. I never throw up his mistakes, or that he has lost us/himself money through the years.
I am suicidal. I have a gun on the table (I'm not sure how to use it) I don't have enough pills (and that's not a sure thing!) I do not want to disappoint and devastate my son and grandkids - but I do not see how I can make this right. Do I have to? Why is my well being so tied into how he treats and sees me? Yes I'm depressed. No one can help me. I asked for help from a longtime friend that I bailed out of trouble years ago. She is well set up financially, and it would not hurt her to buy my jewelry - but she turned me down. When I think about our friendship I am really the only one contributing to it anyway. She only returns calls when she wants something, even though i am there to help her through her tough spots. I bought her lunch when she couldn't afford it... have been a friend through thick and thin. I want her to know how her betrayal affected me, although I've assured her that I understand, and it's ok. that's the thing a friend would do isn't it? not make someone else feel bad?
I'm fucked up - helped and worried about everyone else my whole life and now look where it's gotten me. I know what a gun tastes like.
i do have friends that care about me - none of them are in a position financially to help me though. they call and check on me and worry about me. they love me. good people. how can i do such a horrible thing as kill myself when there are those that do love me no matter what.
what a fucking mess

Poll

should i get divorced